Marriage has taught me that it is a different thing to forgive and accept an apology. Marriage they say is between two forgivers but when a spouse hurts the other in a deep way and apologizes, do we really, truly forgive? It is easy to say “mo ti gbo” meaning “I have heard you” but the truth is that most times the pain lingers and we are reminded of how hurt it feels which makes us react even after the other party has apologized.
In a marriage relationship, sometimes sorry is not enough, it is so important to talk through the issues and handle each issue through communication and letting each other understand why and what areas to be addressed. This is how anger and hurt feelings can be channeled towards the growth of both spouses, both spouses having an in-depth understanding of why the other party is annoyed. Sometimes the actual cause of our anger can be something different, it is important to understand the root cause of our anger and be able to sincerely communicate it with our spouse.
There is also no point in being angry for so long, most times, you tend to forget why you were angry in the first place and that is not good for the relationship for the following reasons:Anger takes away a lot of energy; deprives both of you of precious moments together; it creates distance between couples; instead of building, it destroys; the longer anger lingers, the more time you need to resolve it. It affects the relationship and you tend to forget what made you angry in the first instance. So instead, communicate and resolve the main issues quickly and give no room at all for the enemy, (Eph 4:26-27).
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| FORGIVE, TALK AND GROW. |
It doesn’t end with just communication but taking deliberate efforts to change. Both parties should help each other in the process of growth, it is not enough to settle disputes but to make deliberate efforts to be better persons for each other. It doesn’t just happen like that, there would be mistakes along the way, but the important lesson to learn is that your spouse is making progress and both of you are not where you used to be. When to communicate is also important, in the heat of it, apology could be enough, but when things settle a bit, it is important that both parties talk about the issue and look at ways at which it could be avoided in the future. Communication about the issue and making deliberate effort to change will make it easier to forgive and accept apology. “Am Sorry” will have a better meaning and would not be taken for granted.
My husband is usually quick to apologize and at a point I knew what he would say even before he said it and that word “am sorry” didn’t make sense to me anymore, because, I thought, if one is truly sorry, then it shouldn’t repeat itself.I realized that in a marriage relationship, the word “sorry” could be taken for granted, that is why it is important to communicate about conflict or what I call “conflict communication”. When to have this communication in conflict should be at one’s discretion, but it is important that it is not delayed for long. This communication will help address the main issues and causes of the conflict. It is not a time for the blaming game, but that both parties can reasonably talk through the issues and most especially ways to improve and be a better person. It is easier said than done you will say, but it is worth it. Communicating about the difficult issues, will help improve communication and the relationship altogether.
Don’t allow that disagreement to continue for a long time, don’t give the enemy something to hold on to at all, forgive-talk-grow, forgive again-talk-grow, forgive-talk and grow, because you always offend each other, but you become a better person as a result. That way “am sorry” will have a better meaning like “I am not promising that I won’t do it again, but am going to try not to and I need you to understand that I am getting better for you”. The walk down the aisle is not an easy one, but it is important to take one step at a time and see God walk you through to be more like him.
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